I Type for my Sanity

It’s Monday.

jysko — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:11:40 +0000

It’s been a while since my last blurb. My current mood: ’!@#$%^&*()’

Yes. My mood consists of a shift key and a finger-drag across the numbers of my keyboard. I’m frustrated to say the least. It’s this dumpy feeling of unaccomplished days, insecurities and sadness that would make Debbie Downer sound like a treat.

I’m sad. I’m sad that I’m at this point in my life and I haven’t graduated. I’m sad that although my life consists of many people, I can’t find a single person who I can completely relate with. I’m sad that I don’t have anything that is completely my own. I’m sad that I still depend on my parents for money. I’m sad that although the boys are always in abundance I can never find one that I want to trust. I’m sad that I don’t know where my life is headed. I’m sad because I feel lonely.

It’s constant tossing and turning when it comes to bed time. Hands running up the side of my head, proceeding to pull back my hair, eyes closed, followed by a huge sigh. Not a sigh of relief, but a sigh of hopelessness. Cue the emo music, please. My neck is tense, and my head is pounding. How did I get here.

I just bought a box of “Celestial Tea” today at the market. It’s supposed to help you sleep at night. Since when did I need a bag of leaves to help me shut my eyes come darkness. I’ve tried watching my favorite T.V. shows, I’ve tried my favorite ally, facebook. I’ve tried reading and looking at my favorite blogs, but the usual joy that I get from those colorful/celestial/70′s filter images has escaped me.

so. this is my Monday.

Jysko

Revenge is Sweet

jysko — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 00:22:40 +0000

I don’t know if this applies to men, but for the women: Does it ever feel like you resolve back to your naivety and childish ways when dealing with jealousy? It’s almost as if the logical part of your mind shuts down, and all of a sudden it’s funny to, I don’t know, stick a lizard in the person’s hair. Well, I don’t think I could ever catch a lizard, let alone think it enough of a prank to play on someone. No, as an adult, I guess we deal with jealousy by seeking childish revenge, but in a mature way. *smirk*

Snide remarks that you “don’t mean”, innocent teasing, perhaps? Does this ever happen to you? It’s happened to me, & I’ve done it. You never admit to it, but you know what’s up. It’s annoying, pointless, but it happens.

Jysko

I got it

jysko — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 23:30:29 +0000

You don’t need to tell me how to think or feel, I got this one.

Temptations

jysko — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 07:27:17 +0000

It seemed as if I was on the right path, but I am weak when it comes to temptation. What kind of temptation? Well. Alcohol, for one. Sexual, for another. I was doing just fine without either. A clean and abstinent me. What the hell happened. Some argue that it’s okay to explore and to be pleasure seekers, because hey, we’re still young. However, my gut is telling me that this mentality will bite me in the ass later down the line. It can’t be that easy. Can it? Also, it’s a given that girls aren’t allowed to have the same sexual drive as boys do. Society won’t accept it. I think it’s become more socially acceptable for a girl to be the aggressive one, & casual sex seems like the norm within this generation, but girls will never get high fives for having a high count/tally marks/notches on their bedpost/etc.

I know, I know, girls control the situation, and we’re supposed to be classy and I agree, almost. I’m torn. Part of me wants to be the good girl, and the other part, doesn’t. It’s a toss up. Why aren’t girls allowed to have fun, again? I don’t feel guilty about how I behave, but I feel like I have to. So does this mean that I actually feel guilty, or am I feeling guilty because I feel like I should?

Jysko

Jogger-happy

jysko — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:45:29 +0000

After my late-night meal yesterday (and by late I mean past 11 pm) it was time for exercise… the next day, of course. So as most people do, I was on my way towards the gym. Then I remembered the last time I was there I ran behind a not so pretty view. Let me just say this, it was see-through, hairy, and not something that motivates me to run faster so that I may be inches closer to it. I’m as gross as the next person when it comes to the gym, but this guy… this guy was special. Trying to avoid seeing that sight again, I decided to run on a trail that I had heard of. Best idea I’ve had all year, and I demand that you give me credit for that one because it’s only February.

It was the most rewarding thing, getting to the top of that hill. Not only did I get a good work out, but the view was amazing. So much green, and the rain definitely made the experience even better. I felt like one of the Von-Trapp kids about to break out into song. It was also invigorating to be removed from the monotonous path of a rotating silicone belt. There were more inclines, obstacles, and even jumps involved on this run. If I jumped on the treadmill at the gym I would fall on my face. Smeh.

YES, I run in Converse’s. I’m sure the running-savvy would shake their heads in disgust right now, but I assure you, I’m buying real running shoes soon. Shoes with support, padding, and hopefully I can get my hands on the ones that make my butt and thighs look amazing:

Killing three birds with one stone, is better than killing two.

Jysko

Mini Heart Attacks

jysko — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 00:02:46 +0000

If I could only count the number of times my heart has dropped with just mention of his name. I can’t explain it. It’s like a minuscule heart-attack that lies dormant until I hear it. It’s out of my control, and I hate that. What’s even worse is that I don’t even like him.

Q

jysko — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 22:52:12 +0000

Am I feminine enough?

If you weren’t sure yet, I am a girl. & this picture is as much as I can reveal of myself without compromising my identity. Who am I to kid though, it’s not like I’m being completely discrete. I’m sure if one of my friends were to miraculously stumble on this page (possibly looking for that “hot & heavy” entry [reference to previous post]) they’d probably know it was me. That’s a big IF, though.

Speaking of friends, they are the reason I bring up this question. This, Q. Am I feminine enough? I’ve always been referred to as the “strong, independent, outspoken” woman, and I’m not going to change that. Ever. However, I can also be quite blunt, loud, and maybe my humor’s a bit vulgar sometimes? I don’t know where this “inner-dude” came from. Please don’t think that I’m gross and unkempt. I’m not romping around in baggy jeans and oversized tee’s, unless tastefully done:

I’m not smelly and I definitely don’t have facial hair, or hair in any place where hair shouldn’t be, but when did I stop being a girl and start being referred to as “one of the guys”. I’ve kind of always been okay with having a good amount of guy friends, but it seems like the only reason why is because I kind of act like one. Kiiind of have a potty mouth, and I can joke like the rest of them, but where do I draw the line.

I was just watching The Bachelor (this gives me girly points) and one of the contestants, Ali, was bawling about how she had to choose between the “love of her life” and her job, rather, career. Throughout the 30 minutes of tears and turmoil, I kept thinking in my head “take your job, leave him, you come first”. I’m just wondering, how many girls in America were thinking the same thing, and I wonder how many would have preferred to stay (she left, f.y.i., good girl)

I guess, I don’t resemble a boy physically, but I do mentally. What are you going to do.

Jysko

Boy

jysko — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:18:01 +0000

I like them a little bit scruffy, a little disheveled, a little toned, a lot tatted & with a 100 watt smile. What do you mean, Jysko? Well, let me show you:

[Side Note: I found these amazing lookers (nix m. morrison) via www.lookbook.nu you should definitely check it out]

Now. Paired with this amazing outer exterior, needs to be an interior to match. Not anatomically. Your liver functions and bowel movements are of no interest to me. Like every woman, I’m interested in dialogue that results in a vocal expulsion of air from the lungs. Wait, what? –> Make me laugh, and laugh hard. A shared interest of physical activity; I’m probably not going to lift weights with you, but swimming, running, and rock climbing would be sweet in my book. Also, read a book, and please have the mental capacity to finish it. Then, proceed to teach me stuff. I want to learn and better myself with you. Last bit: I’m known to be a bit of a scrappy girl. Deal with it, or even better, love it.

1. laughs
2. physical activity
3. read
4. teach
5. love me

Yeah. That’s good. Now then, sir. Come find me, because I’m tired of looking for you.

Jysko

Explanation

jysko — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 01:12:45 +0000

So. Hi.

I figure we all need a reason as to why we start a blog, rather, what’s the purpose. Well, this is my explanation. My mind is a huge cluster-f*ck of thoughts, and I’ve come here to basically word vomit. What i’m hoping to achieve through this blog is to be thoroughly raw and open with my thoughts/opinions/feelings… Basically, things I would never say, but would totally blog about. Why? If I talked about all these things (and I’m being completely honest, when I say a lot of this blog is going to be about me) I would come off self-centered and vain, but what’s a blog if it’s not centered around you? Plus, everyone else is doing it; maybe I would jump off that cliff.

Do I hesitate to say these things in real life? Sometimes. Afraid? Definitely not. Private by nature? Absolutely yes. Doesn’t mean that I’m not willing to share, but anonymously done is so much easier for me. Don’t judge. I’m sure you don’t say half the things that you truly feel, or what’s really on your mind, & that’s ok, but, I want to talk about it. I’m not the most interesting of specimens, but I do have a lot that goes through my mind, so I’m probably going write about random stuff. Boring stuff. Stuff that you don’t really care about, but I somehow found it important enough to blog about.

If anything, this is just an online journal for me. I’m not planning on publicly announcing this website, or ever revealing my alias (call me Jysko). If someone happens to stumble on here by accident; maybe cause they googled “hot & heavy” hoping for a porn-tastic experience, when really, all they’re getting is my latest experience at the gym (sorry). I can only hope to offer them a bit of entertainment if they haven’t “x’ed” this site already. Whatever the reason you’ve landed on here, this is pretty much all you’re gonna get. That’s All.

xx.

Jysko